See also political cartoons at : http://www.creators.com/editorialcartoons.html

                                   and at: http://memri.org/cartoons/index.html

  Israeli right wing cartoons at: http://adamhalley.on.to/

Excellent political cartoons: http://65.70.149.244/Cartoons/May2003.htm
 

Have a laugh for a change

 

A Purim Proposal  

By Prof. Paul Eidelberg

 Countless Jews complain about the ineptitude of Israeli governments, whether headed by the Labor Party or the Likud.  Hence the present writer, having made an exhaustive 20-year study of Israel and its Jewish politicians, and having examined the agendas of America’s leading Zionist organizations, hereby confidently offers the only possible solution to Israel’s decrepit and perilous state of affairs.  I propose that the people of Israel hire Gentiles to run their Government!

             Preposterous you say?  But what can be more preposterous than the Jews who have been in charge if Israel’s Government, especially during the last twenty-seven years?  Would Gentiles surrender the Sinai with its Israeli-developed Alma oil fields, air bases, and 15 billion dollar infrastructure for what Anwar Sadat scornfully called a “piece of paper”?  Of course not!

             Would Gentiles—think of Congressman Tom DeLay—relinquish their country’s heartland and holy places in Judea and Samaria to the world’s leading terrorist Yasser Arafat, who teaches Arab children to exalt suicide bombers?  Ridiculous!

             Would any Gentile Prime Minister give up the Golan Heights and its water reserves to a military despotism like Syria, the home of ten terrorist groups?  Absurd!

             Would Gentile Prime Ministers arm 40,000 Arab terrorists to provide for their country’s security?  Nonsense!

             Gentiles are not fools.  Some may preach “love your enemy,” “turn the other cheek,” “resist not evil.”  But only inane or deranged Jews practice these apolitical and suicidal precepts.  Frankly, I never heard of a Gentile counterpart to Shimon Peres who has obviously succumbed to senile dementia.  I’m well aware that Nero fiddled while Rome burned, but unlike Peres, Nero knew he was fiddling and that Rome was burning. 

             As for Israel’s rotund Prime Minister Ariel Sharon, would any Gentile—e.g., President George Bush—say he does not think in terms of “black and white”?  Hence the need for honest-to-goodness Gentiles to take over Israel was never more pressing. 

             Actually, my proposal to hire Gentiles to run Israel’s Government is not original.  It was suggested to me by a learned rabbi, who is a successful businessman and who lived in Israel many years.  He assured me that if Gentiles were hired to operate the Government of Israel, the country could relax and prosper beyond the fondest dreams of old-time Zionists.  Let me explain.

             With a Gentile Government in Jerusalem, anti-Semitism will cease and, with it, the raison d’etre of the United Nations.  (Good riddance!)  With Gentiles in charge of the country, CNN and BBC will stop bashing Israel, Thomas Friedman of the New York Times will be out of a job, and Ha’Aretz, Israel’s NYT, will go bankrupt. 

             Further, with Gentiles running Israel’s Government, all foreign embassies will move from Tel Aviv to Jerusalem, with the US leading the pack.  The Arab ambition to annihilate Israel will be a thing of the past.  A genuine Middle East peace process will be concluded and without trampling on the White House lawn.

             (By the way, once Gentiles take over the reigns of government in Israel, Shimon Peres will be retired from politics.  (Mazel Tov!)

             Meanwhile, with Gentiles like Steve Forbes and Bill Gates in charge of the Government, capital investment in Israel by Jews and non-Jews alike will abound.  A flat tax will be introduced and Jews will flock to the Land of Milk and Honey.  In ten years the Galut will cease to exist, and Jews will fill the country.

             As a consequence, while many Arab citizens of Israel will emigrate, many will convert to Judaism.  (Of course these will insist on Halachic conversion.)  Much the same may be said of the Palestinian Arabs -- with a Gentile Government in Jerusalem, Jewish towns and villages in Judea, Samaria, and Gaza will expand enormously.

             Moreover, the conflict between secular and religious Jews will subside.  After all, that conflict is very much a struggle for control of the Government.  But with Gentiles at the helm, secular and religious Jews will have much less to fight about (especially after Tommy Lapid immigrates to Boro Park).  Finally, given the birthrate of religious Jews, Israel will soon become a truly Jewish state efficiently run by Gentiles.

             There is one potential flaw in this entire proposal.  Suppose Gentiles in charge of the Government decide to become Jews!  That would be a tragedy of the first magnitude.  Hence, Gentiles hired to operate Israel’s Government must first sign a solemn contract stipulating they will not convert to Judaism.  Heaven forfend that Jews should resume control of the Jewish state!

             Purim Sameach!

 

 

 

 

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Subject: Chemistry 101

 

   A major research institution has announced the  discovery of the  heaviest element yet know to science -  "governmentium". It has 1 neutron, 12 assistant neutrons, 75 deputy neutrons and 111  assistant deputy neutrons for an atomic mass of 312.

 

 These 312 particles are held together by forces called morons that are further surrounded by vast quantities of lepton-like sub particles called peons.

 

 Governmentium has no electrons and is therefore inert.  It can be detected however since it impedes every reaction it comes into contact with. A tiny amount of governmentium can take a reaction that normally occurs in seconds and slow it to the point where it take days.

 

 Governmentium has a normal half life of three years.  It doesn't decay but "re-organizes" a process where assistant deputy  neutrons and deputy neutrons change places. This process actually causes it to grow as in  the confusion some morons become neutrons, thereby forming isodopes.

 

 This phenomenon of "moron promotion" has led to some speculation that  governmentium forms whenever sufficient morons meet  in  concentration forming critical morass."

 

 Highly respected nuclear physicist Fenwick Finstad  researched this  phenomenon at the Canadian National Research Council  and formulated  Finstad's Law of Government, which postulates:  The more you re-organize, the morass you cover.

 

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       A Buffalo Special: A Jewish Guide to Shoveling Snow

 by: Dan Ostroff

     Ariel Sharon - "The important thing is to shovel the entire width and breadth of the driveway, regardless of what  anyone else thinks."

     Ehud Barak - "You must shovel most of the driveway, but the exact dimensions of shoveling will be determined in discussions with our neighbors. No wait, you can shovel only in places where snow had previously fallen, but you cannot shovel in places where no snow had fallen - wait, don't do any shoveling until you hear from me!"

     Yossi Sarid - "You should not shovel any part of the driveway, since you really do not have any valid historical or legal claim to the driveway, and it will soon be given back to its rightful owners."

     Tikkun Magazine - "What right do we have to violently take snow from its rightful resting place? Snow has rights: Each snowflake is a unique individual, and we have absolutely no right to do anything with it. Let the snow decide for itself what it wishes to do, and then if it wishes to be shoveled, do so humanely."

     Rashi - "Snow, this is a form of solid  precipitation that clings to one's beard if you remain outside too long in  the winter season. (Old French: neige). Shoveling is a Rabbinic precept, based on the verse in Isaiah 1:18 - "If your sins be like scarlet, they will turn as white as snows"

     Birthright Israel - "It does not matter how the shoveling is done, but the very act of a young Jew shoveling snow for ten consecutive days, under proper supervision will have a lifelong impact on Jewish identity."

     Meir Ben-Meir (Israeli Water Commissioner) -  "Just shovel the snow as fast as you can, and ship it here. We are running out of water fast! Is anyone listening to me?"

     Rabbi David Hartman - "Snow is a potent force in the world which unites all Jews. It falls on us all, regardless of religious denomination and belief, and is therefore instrumental in our understanding of Jewish unity and diversity.  In fact, just this week, I was explaining the significance of snow to the Prime Minister, President Kazav, President Bush, and His Holiness the Pope, who had asked my opinion."

     The Late Lubavitcher Rebbe (from an epistle to a disciple) - "Shoveling snow is a distraction from our efforts to bring Moshiach, may He come soon, when in any case there will  be no snow to shovel. So leave it and let it melt. If the Messiah does not come by Shavuos, the snow will have miraculously disappeared."

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Subject: Merger News

  Continuing the current trend of large-scale mergers and acquisitions, it was announced today at a press conference that Christmas and Hanukkah will merge.  An industry source said that the deal had been in the works for about 1500 years.

  While details were not available at press time, it is believed that the overhead costs of having twelve days of Christmas and eight days of Hanukkah was becoming prohibitive for both sides. By combining forces, the source said, the world will be able to enjoy consistently high-quality service  during the Fifteen Days of Chrismukah, as the new  holiday is being called.

  Massive layoffs are expected, with lords a-leaping and maids a-milking being  the hardest hit. As part of the conditions of the agreement, the letters on the dreydl, currently in Hebrew, will be replaced by Latin, thus becoming unintelligible to a wider audience. Also, instead of translating to "A great miracle happened there," the message on the dreydl will be the more generic "Miraculous stuff happens."

  In exchange, it is believed that Jews will be allowed to use Santa Claus and his vast merchandising resources for buying and delivering their gifts.

  One of the sticking points holding up the agreement for at least three hundred years was the question of whether Jewish children could leave milk and cookies for Santa even after having eaten meat for dinner. A breakthrough came last year, when Oreos were finally declared to be Kosher. All sides appeared happy about this.

  A spokesman for Christmas, Inc., declined to say whether a takeover of  Kwanzaa might not be in the works as well. He did point out that, were it not for the independent existence of Kwanza, the merger  between Christmas and  Chanukah might indeed be seen as an unfair cornering  of the holiday market.  Fortunately for all concerned, he said, Kwanza will help to maintain the competitive balance.

  He then closed the press conference by leading all present in a rousing rendition of "Oy Vey, All Ye Faithful."

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